Waiting on Advent.

I love that Jesus entered time after a long period of silence. 
The desire and the questions we feel in our times of waiting can mirror the same feelings the Jews felt waiting for the Promised One under Roman rule. 

After God had showed his hand so mightily on their ancestor's behalf in their past, they then lived with only ritual remembrance of the wonders of the past and under spiritual leaders more unconcerned with keeping up appearances than having their hearts positioned in humble service. 

Where is the redemption?
Where is the promised one?
Where is God's hand?

The answer to these was the most 

miraculous, incomprehensible, unexpected 

earth-and-eternity-changing gift.

light into darkness
hope into sick hearts

[The people who walked in darkness 

Have seen a great light; Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, upon them a light has shined. Isaiah 9:2 KJV]

truth into confusion
grace into hopelessness

[And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth. John 1:14 KJV]


Still, the answer didn't look like what they imagined.
God sent humble, selfless strength and love. 
A sword, not made of bronze, but of truth.

As we are in waiting, in periods of quiet-in hope-waiting on advent (or 'coming'), we must remind ourselves that God exists beyond the limits of time as we know it. 

This is freeing to meditate on as we live so consumed, relegated, restricted by time. 

Contrary to human eyes, God's plan to redeem His people by sending Jesus from eternity into our time, was not delayed or held back or thwarted. 

So, during this season, in whatever you're waiting for, know this:

The answer doesn't come on our time table. 
Nor look like what we expected, but we can take heart-no matter what season. Because, the baby who entered into time & cried breaking the silence, 
was born to break chains. 

He has overcome the world. 

[I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. John 16:33 NLT]

i will boast all the more gladly...

"But he said to me, 

'My grace is sufficient 

for you, 

for my power 

is made perfect 

in weakness.' 

Therefore I will boast 

all the more gladly 

about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ’s power 

may rest on me. 

That is why,

 for Christ’s sake, 

I delight in weaknesses,

 in insults, 

in hardships,

 in persecutions,

 in difficulties.

 For when I am weak,

 then I am strong." 

2 Cor 12:9-10

I am a perfectionist. 

I like to perform well. 

I'm apt to avoid trying something new 

when it seems I won't excel.

I always want to quickly do things "right" the first time, 

even if I'm new or inexperienced. 

Sometimes it's hard to even

genuinely accept a compliment 

on an insecurity because the positivity 

so goes against a negative self-perception. 

No, instead of avoiding these things, let us let down pride and allow Him to shine. 

If we really live and move and breathe in Him (Acts 17:28) 

and all we have is from His hand (1 Chron 29:14) 

so also, let Him shine in the places we are dark, insecure or lacking. 

Therefore, I will boast (not hide)

all the more gladly (no shame) 

about my weaknesses (why?)

so that Christ's power (Ephesians 1:19-20)

may rest on me 

(that I may be an example of the God who takes what little we have 

and makes it great for His glory.)

Yes, Lord Jesus. I say yes. 

thrive.

It's like you have this perfect plan

for how to be safe and how to survive,

and then God has a plan

to put you through the fire

and make you learn how to thrive.

We fight against the hardship like we're striving for the perfect that is yet to come. 

Instead, let us live present in current circumstances, triumphs or struggles. 

Not as an acceptance of defeat, rather a triumphant hope-living in reality with eyes open, hands ready, and ears tuned-in. 

more with less.

“there’s more to this world than religion” 

the penciled-in words screamed 

off the margin of the paper,

out of frustration with the romanticized, dramatic, seemingly-ignorant ink printed in the columns...

yes, we dumbed it down, watered it down 
and fit it into its institutionalized box

while we breathe His air in and out of our lungs...

now we’ve got buildings and boxes, soap boxes and podiums filled with people

given amplification for their cynical politics, personal agendas and lust for power.

we have confusion under the guise of clarity.

we’re trying to break free of traditional bonds

trying to decipher what is right from wrong

what is acceptable and just.

all living and dying on this pale blue dot.

but, we seem to think we’re the sun and

the planets of our own mind and intent revolve around us with magnetic power

still so many hurt. wondering if anyone sees them or knows them at all

surrounded by our own experience like tunnel vision.

we were made for more than this. 

we were made for more with less. 

When You're not Enough: Moses

I am currently Reading: Things Not Seen by Jon Bloom. Chapter 10 deals with "Moses and Inadequacy". Recently recognizing my fear of my own insufficiency being at war with my determination and belief in my own ability and God's plan, I dug deeper into this story...

When does God put us in positions that utilize our strengths?

You know that feeling when you can say, "yes! I was made to do this!"?

When does God put us in positions where we have to fully rely on HIS ability and not our own? (2 Cor 12:9)

Places where our own capacity is not enough to succeed... Either by past experience we have lost self-esteem or we simply do not have the experience or the confidence required...

I think it's both together. 
We step outside our comfort zone and God utilizes our individuality in His story-doing things we cannot do on our own. His answer to our doubts, our excuses and all our insufficiencies is, "I will be with you" (Exodus 3:12).

Moses is typically viewed as either a stuttering, angry man wondering through the desert who "missed out" on the promised land OR as a towering giant of the faith who saw great signs and wonders with a touch of his staff.

In reality, Moses had to have felt like an anomaly. 
He grew up an Israelite living as a son of Egyptian royalty. 
No one else was sharing this experience alongside of him. 
While it was wonderful his life was spared, he had to live caught in the middle of the oppressed and the oppressor. 
He lived with the family who had originally ordered his death before he even had the chance to breathe. 

What was his place? What purpose could be in this position?

If you know the story, you know Moses finally fled Egypt in fear for his life. 
He had been caught in the middle for so long! 
He finally let out years of anger of watching his blood be abused by his adoptive family. 
He fled Egypt and wasn't going back. 

Moses found a place of comfort. 
He had a family, he was safe out in the desert as a shepherd. 
Away from the stress and struggle. 
He wasn't enslaved and he wasn't living in luxury with a pagan people either. 

Still, God had other plans. 

A role for someone with Moses' unique past. 

Moses was not confident God was choosing the "right man" for the job.

Like Moses, there are times in life when our own insecurities and self-doubts come and cripple our belief, our desire, our purpose. 

It is often easier to stay where we are comfortable, where it is finally easy, than to venture beyond. 
Some of us have learned where to stay based on our past experiences, we tried and failed or we trusted and felt let down. 
So, we settle in, we settle down - we don't know what greatness could be over the mountain of hardship.

God has a plan to utilize the strengths HE knows we possess while placing us in a circumstance where we must trust in HIM. 

If the leader of the Israelites was consumed with his own adequacy, the Israelites would never have made it into the promised land. He would have felt like such a failure when all the people turned against him and blamed him. 
If he was "delivering" them for his own glory and acclaim, he would have given up. If he was strong enough in himself, he would not have known the glory of meeting and seeking God. 

But Moses was no such man. 
He knew his need. 
And he got to know his God. 
God made covenants with the man Moses. (Exodus 34:10) 
Moses saw "He who is invisible" (Hebrews 11) 
and his very flesh shone (Exodus 34:29-35).

Even though the attitudes of the people suggested otherwise, God was tangibly/visibly with his people over and over through the desert. And they still doubted him, but Moses remained faithful because God was his only hope. (Heb 11:27). 
Even though He struggled with trusting God at times, (Numbers 20:12) he persevered. 

At the end of his life, God took him, and he didn't suffer the pain of old age. Burial is an important rite in the Jewish tradition, even though Moses didn't have the ability to be buried with his mother and father as many of our Old Testament heroes desired, God, the Father took him Himself (Deuteronomy 34). 1 Samuel 2:30 "...he who honors me, I will honor".

       "Kingdom work is supernatural work, no matter what your calling is. If it doesn't require real faith and a desperate dependence on God, then either it's not God's calling or you don't get it yet... 
        'God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise;...what is weak in the world to shame the strong;... what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human might boast in the presence of God.' (1 Cor. 1:27-29) 
        Don't use your weaknesses as an excuse for unbelief. Move forward in faith. God will be with you." - Things Not Seen: A Fresh Look at Old Stories of Trusting God's Promises,  Jon Bloom

25

What’s a girl to do when she’s standing here?

I’ve had this blog post on my mental list to write for a while...

I thought I had something to say (at least something to process-out-through-writing) about this moment in my existence… But, I worried-what is really worth saying? Aren’t I just another in a long line of people expressing some similar sentiment?

what do I really have to say that’s unique?

would anything about this post be worth the eyes of any visitor stumbling upon it or is it just more personal jibber, jabber?

Some days I hear myself saying, “I’m almost 25… 25! Guys, that’s scary!”

But, then… since I started preparing myself for this months ago, I can now have days where I feel pretty indifferent about it.

But, if I’m honest…I’d still put it off for a little while longer.

So, why?

Is it just some stigma society has imposed upon us?

Some gigantic exaggeration where life somehow looks like… 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27...

I’m sure it’s some of that, but maybe personally, there’s some fear that surfaces, unique for each of us, when we face a milestone.

We look right, left, backwards and forwards. 

Looking at where we are in life and judging it, based on some idea of where we “should” be. And our own idea of where we hoped we’d be.

Maybe what’s really scary is the fear, not of were I am, but the fear of still being here next year. The fear of never “making it”, never overcoming this, achieving that thing – before it’s “too late”. Even worse, the wondering of what, if anything, I could do differently.

Maybe to combat those fears, we say things like, “you’re never too old” and we joke about being “over the hill” when we’re still in our prime and we know it.

Recently, I thought again of the struggle, in this culture, to live one-day at a time. Even though life comes in minutes; hours; days-we quickly lump those into weeks; months; years and each day in its individuality can be lost.

But, nevertheless, life is lived out in days. One. at. a. time.

If we could just remember that, and live like that reality is reality,

I feel like we’d be more motivated and happier.

Somehow I know that life will never look like “what I imagine” – whether at 25, 30, 50 or 75...

Intrinsically, I think we know it’s not about the number of years, but the quality of life. A life well-lived and not wasted.

I think that’s why, when we lose hope in quality, we clamor for quantity.

We settle for more and more of the sh***y stuff. Trying to make up for what really matters. But any crazy experience, novelty or the chase of eternal youth don’t make up for the real connection and purpose we were born craving.

So, I don’t yet have the education, the job, the guy… --(it could go on and on if I let it)--most of the things I figured were reasonable to have by this age.

If, every year is a gift than every day is a choice of what perspective I am going to look through. Every day spent in fear and regret is just one more lost. So, I can’t be afraid to hope for fear of disappointment.

At any age, I think we all have more in common than we think. We’re all accepting that we don’t have it all figured out, life looks a lot different than we expected and we must find joy in the journey and hope beyond this skin.

The same day I was writing this, I happened on a post from someone 25 years further in his journey. He said,  

"Fifty came faster than I expected. So will sixty and seventy, if the Lord wills. So will the finish line. So will Glory. And each will feel different than I thought it would. My expectations, and certainly my self-image, are not what’s important.

What’s important, what this whole race is about, is obtaining the Prize (Philippians 3:14). And I want to keep running that I may obtain it (1 Corinthians 9:24)."

Ah, to keep that perspective...
I think I picked a good year to focus on being brave.

Here’s to 25…

just breathe

It seems humorous to say:

                      just breathing can make you feel so alive.

Sounds like a basic statement. No breathing=No living, right?

But, by breathing, I don’t just mean gasping for breath as you run a marathon or the unconscious rhythm of breaths that keep oxygen flowing through your bloodstream as you live at any pace. 

I mean the sensation of settling when you stop and feel peace. Peace is funny like that, it settles on you, but it feels like a weight off you. A Selah.

We go; we do; we starve and we gorge.

We put pressure on ourselves and others.

Sure, there are seasons of work and struggle; Days when we can’t just stop, days when others are counting on us to lead, to fight, to persevere. There is courage and strengthening that can happen there.

But, there’s also courage and strengthening in the resting, pausing, waiting… breathing.

We’re so busy and then we’re so bombarded that we have to force our selves to “unwind” in healthy ways.

As much as I believe we were made to accomplish greatness; never give-up; to innovate; to create; to give out-I am now believing we were created to let-go, to rest, to stop and just BREATHE.

We don’t become alive because of all we accomplish and accumulate.

We become alive by being and breathing.

I know I'm not supposed to ––

You.
I know I'm not supposed to–
I'm supposed to trust
I'm supposed to know

But apart of being brave is being honest.
that when I see you, I'm still reminded
when I see you, I don't think:
O
there's hope for me
no
instead, I think:
ugh
another reminder of how little of the parts of life I actually want that I actually have
^^ the feelings aren't perfect; these words aren't either

The way we ended up;
the way you decided to be didn't help either.

You.
With your pretty hair, perfect smile, perfect skin
just more refined than when we both had crazy hair, khakis & polos & crushes on the same boy

it looks like you got the easy-breezy-beautiful
you got the guy; you got the baby
it feels like you got the fast track & I got the quick sand



You.
With your easy, no fuss beauty
just more of...something than when we were both the new girls from the Lone Star with cameras & dreams

it looks like you got the move, the education, the job
you got the guy; you got the connections; wanderlust fulfilled
it feels like you got the open doors & I got the slammed ones.

And I listened to you tell your stories of everything I imagined, but the story had your name on the cover and I was barely on one page.
My book feels like a long mismatched chapter with too many rewrites; too many characters and then too few

I know I'm not supposed to–
but, apart of being brave is being honest,
when I see you, I'm still reminded...

Two steps forward, One step back

When I was a kid, I used to sing along to a song that talked about going "two steps forward and one step back". I remember thinking, "gee, this is silly! What does this even mean! Why would you need to go forward and then back again?!"

I never understood the meaning of the song, the saying or the purpose of these "setbacks" in real life.

I'm a get-it-done type of person. If I've had the moment to plan my strategy in my head of how I envision completing something swiftly, I like to execute that plan with as few snags as possible.
I've also realized how determined I can be. When I set my mind to do something in a certain amount of time, I push past roadblocks that fall in my path and I just keep going. I attempt to stick to plan A or sometimes B as long as I can. Sometimes life just has its own path which looks nothing like my beautiful plan constructed somewhere in my mind's eye.

I just had an a-ha moment where I got a glimpse of what "two steps forward and one step back" just might mean in the real world of my life. 
Sometimes we think, "this is finally it". 
We think we've skipped a few steps, maybe we feel like we've been behind and we're finally catching up. Either way, we make some progress...but then there's a setback or we realize we're not as far down the road as we thought... *sigh

But, the steps that seem backward are apart of the journey.
The journey just keeps going on. It's not over till it's over.
We'll keep walking and making u-turns and taking unexpected detours.
In the construction, in the slowing and even when it seems like we're backtracking, there's got to be a purpose.
The struggle to believe that, to accept where we are and keep going on from there is all apart of the journey.

stuck, unfinished, wandering.

There are times when I am at peace.
Even though all is not settled, I can be.

There are many more frequent times, when it feels like nothing in my world has or will come together
It's like gravity is shut off and orbits have ceased in their order and 
everything is floating with no direction.
Or like standing in a perpetual batting cage...
Swing and hit
swing and miss
never run any bases.
Stay alert, try to be prepared, but never getting anywhere. 
No rest; little progress.

Others speak of seeing a pattern, a purpose-the journey that is theirs.
They see bits of their story coming together, the see the pages turning; the chapters linking.
I feel like my story is still a draft being erased and reorganized, erased and rewritten.
Sometimes it feels like a page is missing, lost from the manuscript, and that's why there are holes in the plot. 

I've seen a bunch of dead ends.
Just like being stuck in a maze.
I keep turning and rerouting.
But every path ends up like the last one.
It all starts to look and feel the same. 
Just when you think this is the right turn, you hit the wall and you have to either turn around or give up.

And, I know that perspective changes it all. 
I know that an eagle's eye view sees the path out of the maze;
omniscient knowledge sees the story from start to finish.

But, I still feel like a draft waiting for a writer
I still feel like I'm paving my own road only hoping it leads somewhere civilized and purposeful. 

I'm not asking to live a life free of worry or hardship. 
I just want to live one of purpose. And, I don't want to always feel stuck.
That I'm just existing, not a tragedy, not a triumph, but a comedy of errors...
Questioning, "what is the point if I am not moving on, changing things, gaining ground?"
The perception of being stuck over and over again. 
I say, "I've got a lot of fight left in me!"... but I wonder, "what is the point?"
Feeling this way over and over deeply-more than just having a bad day, but deep, deep down it just seems like I am stuck over and over again. And not connected except for the pain in the past. 
Why? Still asking what could I have done or not done.
Telling myself I am brave and courageous and strong. 
That I am determined. 
That I am a fighter. 
When it comes down to it, you don't feel like any of those things.

lessons from the road... (and the middle finger)

Oh, the many thoughts and realizations I've had from the drivers seat of my car. 

Often small scale situations can shed light on bigger scale phenomenons.

Consider how many life applications there are in simple road directions...

STOP.

YIELD.

GO.

But, today's contemplation turned to the simple-yet-grand theme of forgiveness after a fellow driver felt it necessary to flip me off. Now, even though I feel his reaction was completely uncalled for, I won't lie and say that my verbal retort was full of grace - because it wasn't! But, I quickly caught myself reducing to his level of vulgar immaturity, and I changed my tune, trying to reposition my heart and started thinking... 

Sometimes "forgiveness" seems grand, complex and complicated. 

Sometimes it can even take a while for our pride to come down so we can admit that we've been wounded and even need to forgive. 

Whether it's the person you trusted your heart to who left; 

or the old friend who will never know the pain they inflicted; or just the random stranger who flipped you off for no-good-reason...the answer still seems to be the same. 
Let. it. go.

The process may look different, but the choice and the end result are the same. 

The attitude of many drivers reminds me of the mindset we often drive through life with, an "I have the right-of-way!" mentality.

We drive with the attitude that we are right and that we and others should get what we deserve. 

While life quickly teaches us that the road is not fair, grace teaches us that we, in fact, get so much more than what we deserve... 

So... forgiveness. 

While I feel like I've been given opportunities aplenty to practice,

I'm no pro at it.  

But, when I keep the sacrifice of Jesus in the forefront of my sight, how can withhold forgiveness from anyone?

Sometimes forgiveness does seem so complicated-twisted up in "whys?" and "hows?"

The healing takes time, but when forgiveness takes place, the road opens up the path to freedom.

vaya con Dios, my sojourners!

a prologue

The feeling is akin to waiting at the edge of an open airplane. Waiting to jump.

I stand, getting pumped-up to go, then sit, contemplating easing my way out. Like dropping into a pool with your legs already in the water. Even tho waiting has both abated and increased my anticipation, I know that regardless of sitting or standing-the moment I push off-everything changes. 

I know it's going to happen; I'm going to take the leap.

I am scared of the fall. 

My heart is beating loudly, but it simultaneously feels like it's on pause.
The sensation of weightlessness for a moment. 
Shock, suspension, exhilaration, relief - only for a moment. 

I'll either fly or fall. Hard.

I've tried to tell myself that either way I'll be fine. 
But, I know that's not truth. 
N o t h i n g    w i l l     b e   t h e   s a m e. 

prospect

 

you sit and slowly they fill until they overflow
your cheeks feel stiff
from the salt.
release

the mix of hope and fear is
in your chest and in your core




hope came seeping out of your fingers, your mind, your heart
fear comes creeping around your fingers, your mind, your heart


the biggest leap
could mean the hardest fall
your hands go cold just thinking about it

can the craziest thing you've ever done
feel like the sanest thing you've ever done?

you want it more than anything else.
but if you're alone in holding the reasons
how can it ever be?

how can something here-&-now affect your past, your present
and
your future

so, i can't let it go
not that way
not without taking the risk
i'll let it go
pour it out
leave it
in a place where
the wind may toss it
the rain may soak it
and it will either die or bloom

i'm worth it

you're worth it

is this worth it?

Anomaly

Inspired by listening to the album Anomaly by Lecrae:

norm: noun 1. a standard, model, or pattern.
                    2. general level or average

anomaly: noun 1. deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement or form
                         2. one that is abnormal or does not fit in


I never fit the norm
from day one.
Left handed turned ambidextrous.
Curly hair.

Then, I didn't grow up eating the same foods as the norm;
watching the same shows as the norm or listening to the same music as the norm.
Further pushed out of the mold.  

Faster than most; then slower than most.

All along, all I really wanted was to fit. 
even blend in.

I was always graduating early; now I'm the one graduating late.
The list goes on and on... 

Never fit the norm in looks, likes, love or the when, the wheres and hows... 

"Acceptance" becomes the hunger and the meal.

A part gets easier as you get older, but most people don't really change.
If we're honest, we know that - you can be 50 with the same insecurities as when you were fifteen. 
The longer you calcify, the tougher it is to change.

I know I'm not alone in this square-peg struggle.
I know I'm not the only one who's questioned just what makes me so different.
Or why, whoever "they" is in your personal sphere, seemed to find it so easy to overlook or forget you.
I know I'm not the only one, but the struggle is and feels intensely personal to each person.
Some wear their oddity on their shoulder - making it mainstream.
Others opt to hide or camouflage masking whatever it is that has caused rejection at the hands of the world.

The the one who loves most intensely can be labeled a hater.
The one who'd rather invest their time than waste it - labeled a loner.
The one who examines both sides of the story - labeled confused.

If you're too "bad" according the church and too "good" according to the rest of the world.
You've never fit inside the box and you probably never will... and there's more to life.
Unpopular opinions have changed the world.
The world needs friction. The world needs light.

 #TheSystemDidntPlanForThis