Two paths are traveling. I see them like a stripes of color weaving in and out, around...
They take many turns, they climb mountains and hike through valleys.
Their's is a path they don't know of because they don't have a bird's eye view.
God has constructed their path so the two of them will collide... when it's time.
They go faster and faster, I watch the pace quickening, like water gushing, like a rollercoaster car... they come closer to intersecting and they do.
When the two converge, they say sparks will fly.
It's not merely I crosswalk passing, the two paths collide, join together and go forward twice as strong with the other on their side.
Double the force, double the strength. Firm course in mind.
They are inseparable.
This is how I see a love story.
When it was truly meant to be.
"Unless the Lord builds the house, we labor in vain"
It is of His doing.
I don't know know what day my path will collide with the one I am to be with, but I know as long as I stay pointed towards Jesus, I am getting closer everyday.
I don't know when.
I just know I have got to keep moving.
Because, every day I get closer.
Both of us have to be headed in the same direction - towards the sun.
Going after Him with all we've got.
We're both headed up.
Out paths will collide and...
sparks will fly...
"I am not my own/ I have been made new/
please don't let me go/ I desperately need you..."
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I used to write almost every single day, I just let the words flow onto the paper. Within 5 minutes a song from me was born, I knew the words, I knew the melody in my head. Too often I have let the weight of the supposed correct "creative process" and all the rules of wrong and right/good and bad weigh me down... I don't believe I am good enough and I'd rather not fail, or here their criticism so why try?
So, today, I wrote another song, yes, in about a 5 minute span. I can't just sit down and play the music, I'll admit. But, I can hear it. It's a song about just this... wanting to be free from all of those types of "rules" and fears...
Every artist wasn't a hero in their day. They didn't follow the rules of the "Academy" and that didn't roll over too well with critics, but none of us care about that now. We praise the avant garde who were made to feel like failures in their time!
I was inspired by: 1. things in life not coming together the way I want. Wishing I could go somewhere where MY way was THE way and full of happiness.
2. Realizing how I've let this fear and people's opinions hold me down. When for so long all I wanted to do was write and sing it out.
"They want us to believe freedom is absurd. "
3. Owl City... been listening to him a lot lately. I'm inspired by Adam Young's words, melodies and ideas!
So, the song is Freedom of Defiance. Because I don't want to be held down anymore. I want to go back to when I was younger and I was gifted and everything was a possibility. I serve a God who says nothing is impossible if we believe.
"Before the King, we can do anything."
recently heard Taylor Swift say that if you know exactly how you feel, you need to say it. i agree...
free.
afternoon update: after writing this, this morning, i read this quote by Elvis - seems ironic!
"I don't know anything about music, In my line you don't have to"
Tonight my roommate asked me a lot of really serious questions that tell a lot about who a person really is.
She had me list the 5 things that I absolutely cannot live without, then one-by-one eliminate them down to the final one.. that is the most important thing to you.
my list was
1. jesus
2. water
3. music
4. sunlight
5. paper
then one by one I eliminated them in reverse order 5,4,3,2 and was left with number one.
There are other people who I would want to be on this list, but I went quite practical and literal with my answers - I TRULY cannot live without water... but, even Jesus could sustain me without water.
I am so imperfect. I've tried so hard, all my life, to be perfect. That is the way I've always thought was right, that's the only way I ever feel deserving. I also can't reconcile doing what is "wrong" if I already know what is "right".
I am reminded everyday, lately, how my desires aren't lined up with God. I have been consistently seeing how I do not trust Him enough. I'm looking to wrong things to fill up the spaces only He can fill.
I want to value Him more than anything...Sometimes it's hard. I have been living in this relationship with God since my earliest memories. As great as that is, sometimes I wish I could start back from the ground up. Because I want to come to my convictions strongly and for myself. Instead I feel like I am going down, rather than going up.
Back to not trusting Him enough -- So much of what I do and don't do is based in fear. I'm afraid of being left-out and being lonely. I have experienced those things too much. I thought I didn't care. I thought I was above that and not a victim to it. But, I am reaching out to be accepted and wanted.
If you're hurt enough, you will let people use you to fill your hole, even if they are just using you to fill their hole. (might want to read that one again;)
I am afraid of making the wrong decision and being lonely be MY FAULT. God's promised me that He'll provide, but still I act like it's all in my hands. God has said that he will never leave, but I still act like His extravagant promises are "too good to be true". If I trusted Him enough, I wouldn't be afraid of what they think of me. I would be more confident. If I trusted God enough, I wouldn't be afraid of missing out, because I'd trust that He is big enough to finish the work he started, just like He said He would - even if I make a mistake.
I've always been like "just tell me how to do it right, and then I'll do it." I don't even like trying new things, when there is the possibility of failure. So, I like to teach myself or in private - EVEN THEN - I only like to do it perfectly the FIRST time... I like to do it right the first time or not at all. I want to get over that.
Honestly, I've always struggled with "earning it" and "deserving it". I know in my head I CAN'T earn it, but I can't seem to reconcile that with the fact that we're all under grace and I can't be better than the next girl, with the fact that what I do does matter because it reveals what's really in my heart - which is what God cares about.
I have longed to do something "wrong", and still be loved and accepted by God. But, how can I do that if it's something I know is wrong??? That just shows that I am needing to prove I am loved beyond what I do.
For years, I've been haunted by the fact that I can never keep up a daily routine with God. I feel really guilty about it, because I feel like if I was in His word more, than a lot of my messed-up desires would be rectified. But, try as I might, I never "get it right".
I feel like the biggest thought that I learned to carry with me growing up was: 1. what was right 2. what was wrong 3. that the most important thing to God, was that I do the right thing...
Sadly, that's how I live, and I don't think it's living in the truth...
So concerned with DOING the right thing, not feeling any freedom to fail or learn from falling; Always feeling I should have known better has pushed me into wanting to do the WRONG thing and see that everything could still be ok... that I don't hold the balance of the universe. that God can pick me up and take me back... That I don't always have to be the good little girl, just to be loved.
I'm so tired of seeing all the people who have problems be the ones who have all the relationships and the connections and the money and love... I know what's right - believe me! Right here I want to interject how I shouldn't compare or be jealous, but I'm further proving my point of always thinking "i have to do only what's right"! But, if I'm really honest, I feel like, "God, haven't you seen how I have lived?" "Haven't you seen the me give up the very thing that was giving me companionship and satisfaction for YOU?" "Haven't I proven my heart and my devotion, therefore, don't I deserve to be happy? Don't I deserve someone who loves You and loves me?".... That's honesty, right or wrong, it's what I feel.
See, I have always been the one who "has it all together". I've always been the one no one worries about. I've always been the one who would "never do that" and I'm grateful. But I am left feeling misplaced and misunderstood and pushed aside. I'm tired of people wanting to use me. if I didn't have a thing together, then I'd see who truly loved me, because it wouldn't be for anything I could or was doing.
I guess that's Jesus. because He sees all the stuff. He sees who i REALLY AM! He doesn't see who I try to be or pretend to be or who I believe I am. He sees who I really am, He knows every tragedy and every triumph that's brought me to where i am. Everything that has made me, shaped me, or scarred me since the time He created me with His very hands. I am loved and prized. and I won't give up, even tho I am alone. I won't give up even tho I feel like I push at locked doors. i WON'T give up even when I feel like it's fake. i have to believe in Him, because He is my only Hope. Even when I act like others can fill the void. Even when I want them and I reach out in vain. Cause all I am wanting is someone to know who I really am and love me for it. The second miracle, would be, me BELIEVING they really loved me.
This is where I am at right now Hi, my name is anna....
