When I was a kid, I used to sing along to a song that talked about going "two steps forward and one step back". I remember thinking, "gee, this is silly! What does this even mean! Why would you need to go forward and then back again?!"
I never understood the meaning of the song, the saying or the purpose of these "setbacks" in real life.
I'm a get-it-done type of person. If I've had the moment to plan my strategy in my head of how I envision completing something swiftly, I like to execute that plan with as few snags as possible.
I've also realized how determined I can be. When I set my mind to do something in a certain amount of time, I push past roadblocks that fall in my path and I just keep going. I attempt to stick to plan A or sometimes B as long as I can. Sometimes life just has its own path which looks nothing like my beautiful plan constructed somewhere in my mind's eye.
I just had an a-ha moment where I got a glimpse of what "two steps forward and one step back" just might mean in the real world of my life.
Sometimes we think, "this is finally it".
We think we've skipped a few steps, maybe we feel like we've been behind and we're finally catching up. Either way, we make some progress...but then there's a setback or we realize we're not as far down the road as we thought... *sigh
But, the steps that seem backward are apart of the journey.
The journey just keeps going on. It's not over till it's over.
We'll keep walking and making u-turns and taking unexpected detours.
In the construction, in the slowing and even when it seems like we're backtracking, there's got to be a purpose.
The struggle to believe that, to accept where we are and keep going on from there is all apart of the journey.
There are times when I am at peace.
Even though all is not settled, I can be.
There are many more frequent times, when it feels like nothing in my world has or will come together
It's like gravity is shut off and orbits have ceased in their order and
everything is floating with no direction.
Or like standing in a perpetual batting cage...
Swing and hit
swing and miss
never run any bases.
Stay alert, try to be prepared, but never getting anywhere.
No rest; little progress.
Others speak of seeing a pattern, a purpose-the journey that is theirs.
They see bits of their story coming together, the see the pages turning; the chapters linking.
I feel like my story is still a draft being erased and reorganized, erased and rewritten.
Sometimes it feels like a page is missing, lost from the manuscript, and that's why there are holes in the plot.
I've seen a bunch of dead ends.
Just like being stuck in a maze.
I keep turning and rerouting.
But every path ends up like the last one.
It all starts to look and feel the same.
Just when you think this is the right turn, you hit the wall and you have to either turn around or give up.
And, I know that perspective changes it all.
I know that an eagle's eye view sees the path out of the maze;
omniscient knowledge sees the story from start to finish.
But, I still feel like a draft waiting for a writer
I still feel like I'm paving my own road only hoping it leads somewhere civilized and purposeful.
I'm not asking to live a life free of worry or hardship.
I just want to live one of purpose. And, I don't want to always feel stuck.
That I'm just existing, not a tragedy, not a triumph, but a comedy of errors...
Questioning, "what is the point if I am not moving on, changing things, gaining ground?"
The perception of being stuck over and over again.
I say, "I've got a lot of fight left in me!"... but I wonder, "what is the point?"
Feeling this way over and over deeply-more than just having a bad day, but deep, deep down it just seems like I am stuck over and over again. And not connected except for the pain in the past.
Why? Still asking what could I have done or not done.
Telling myself I am brave and courageous and strong.
That I am determined.
That I am a fighter.
When it comes down to it, you don't feel like any of those things.
I'm a get-it-done type of person. If I've had the moment to plan my strategy in my head of how I envision completing something swiftly, I like to execute that plan with as few snags as possible.