stuck, unfinished, wandering.

There are times when I am at peace.
Even though all is not settled, I can be.

There are many more frequent times, when it feels like nothing in my world has or will come together
It's like gravity is shut off and orbits have ceased in their order and 
everything is floating with no direction.
Or like standing in a perpetual batting cage...
Swing and hit
swing and miss
never run any bases.
Stay alert, try to be prepared, but never getting anywhere. 
No rest; little progress.

Others speak of seeing a pattern, a purpose-the journey that is theirs.
They see bits of their story coming together, the see the pages turning; the chapters linking.
I feel like my story is still a draft being erased and reorganized, erased and rewritten.
Sometimes it feels like a page is missing, lost from the manuscript, and that's why there are holes in the plot. 

I've seen a bunch of dead ends.
Just like being stuck in a maze.
I keep turning and rerouting.
But every path ends up like the last one.
It all starts to look and feel the same. 
Just when you think this is the right turn, you hit the wall and you have to either turn around or give up.

And, I know that perspective changes it all. 
I know that an eagle's eye view sees the path out of the maze;
omniscient knowledge sees the story from start to finish.

But, I still feel like a draft waiting for a writer
I still feel like I'm paving my own road only hoping it leads somewhere civilized and purposeful. 

I'm not asking to live a life free of worry or hardship. 
I just want to live one of purpose. And, I don't want to always feel stuck.
That I'm just existing, not a tragedy, not a triumph, but a comedy of errors...
Questioning, "what is the point if I am not moving on, changing things, gaining ground?"
The perception of being stuck over and over again. 
I say, "I've got a lot of fight left in me!"... but I wonder, "what is the point?"
Feeling this way over and over deeply-more than just having a bad day, but deep, deep down it just seems like I am stuck over and over again. And not connected except for the pain in the past. 
Why? Still asking what could I have done or not done.
Telling myself I am brave and courageous and strong. 
That I am determined. 
That I am a fighter. 
When it comes down to it, you don't feel like any of those things.