prospect

 

you sit and slowly they fill until they overflow
your cheeks feel stiff
from the salt.
release

the mix of hope and fear is
in your chest and in your core




hope came seeping out of your fingers, your mind, your heart
fear comes creeping around your fingers, your mind, your heart


the biggest leap
could mean the hardest fall
your hands go cold just thinking about it

can the craziest thing you've ever done
feel like the sanest thing you've ever done?

you want it more than anything else.
but if you're alone in holding the reasons
how can it ever be?

how can something here-&-now affect your past, your present
and
your future

so, i can't let it go
not that way
not without taking the risk
i'll let it go
pour it out
leave it
in a place where
the wind may toss it
the rain may soak it
and it will either die or bloom

i'm worth it

you're worth it

is this worth it?

Anomaly

Inspired by listening to the album Anomaly by Lecrae:

norm: noun 1. a standard, model, or pattern.
                    2. general level or average

anomaly: noun 1. deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement or form
                         2. one that is abnormal or does not fit in


I never fit the norm
from day one.
Left handed turned ambidextrous.
Curly hair.

Then, I didn't grow up eating the same foods as the norm;
watching the same shows as the norm or listening to the same music as the norm.
Further pushed out of the mold.  

Faster than most; then slower than most.

All along, all I really wanted was to fit. 
even blend in.

I was always graduating early; now I'm the one graduating late.
The list goes on and on... 

Never fit the norm in looks, likes, love or the when, the wheres and hows... 

"Acceptance" becomes the hunger and the meal.

A part gets easier as you get older, but most people don't really change.
If we're honest, we know that - you can be 50 with the same insecurities as when you were fifteen. 
The longer you calcify, the tougher it is to change.

I know I'm not alone in this square-peg struggle.
I know I'm not the only one who's questioned just what makes me so different.
Or why, whoever "they" is in your personal sphere, seemed to find it so easy to overlook or forget you.
I know I'm not the only one, but the struggle is and feels intensely personal to each person.
Some wear their oddity on their shoulder - making it mainstream.
Others opt to hide or camouflage masking whatever it is that has caused rejection at the hands of the world.

The the one who loves most intensely can be labeled a hater.
The one who'd rather invest their time than waste it - labeled a loner.
The one who examines both sides of the story - labeled confused.

If you're too "bad" according the church and too "good" according to the rest of the world.
You've never fit inside the box and you probably never will... and there's more to life.
Unpopular opinions have changed the world.
The world needs friction. The world needs light.

 #TheSystemDidntPlanForThis

Miracle

A few years ago, I had the pleasure of hearing Dr.Guliuzza give a talk on this topic in person. I found it completely fascinating.

The creation and formation of a human life is really stunning. All the intricate details that we are ignorant of or simply take for-granted are amazing.

If you have the time, I encourage you to watch this talk. The video quality is not superb, but the information is still worthwhile!
No matter where you stand about the origins of our planet and life on earth, denial that the formation of the human body is miraculous is ignorant, and so many details point to intelligent design. Enjoy! 

                            

not good enough for who?

While there seems to be an increasing number of social media movements promoting healthy body images and ideals, there still is an epidemic of critical messages generating destructive thought-patterns in people of all ages. 
These images/standards of "perfect" are generated by pop culture, perpetuated by media, handed down from our family members or spoken to us through friends and enemies. 
I'm tired of living in a culture where people feel that they are never good enough for who they are externally... 
I'm sick of looking at my own reflection with tunnel vision - only focusing on how I'm "failing" by the world's (my culture's) standards.

For most girls, this starts young. Even for those who live in a positive environment...  like I did at six years old, being embarrassed about temporarily having "freckles" from vomiting or believing I had "fat thighs" since I was 11.

There are so many of us - all variations and we are all unique.  We are taught that there are universal standards for beauty that people (especially men) agree on. Okay, sure, there is a bench mark, if you will, for attractiveness. But...so what? 

Unique: "very special or unusual; belonging to or connected with only one particular thing, place or person." 

You, be you.

Society places unnecessary image standards on both men and women, but since I am a woman, I'm going to speak to those messages specifically. It seems there is a definition of perfection for every inch from our heads to our toes. 

Ladies, how many of these sound familiar?

Your hair is too short.
Your hair is too curly.
Your hair is too flat. 
Your eyes are too small
Your eyebrows are too thick/too thin.
Your nose is too big.
Your ears are too big. 
Your lips are too thin.
Your neck is too thick.
Your arms are too flabby.
Your hands are too chubby.
Your fingers are too short. 
Your breasts are too small.
Your waist is too big. 
Your hips are too wide. 
Your thighs are too big. 
Your butt is too flat. 
Your knees are too big. 
Your ankles are too big.
Your feet are too big...
...And on it can go... 
It wears me out just thinking about it! Nit-picking like this is almost laughable!

See, if we stopped viewing ourselves as cells that just somehow happen and accepted that we were designer-handmade, I think we'd accept ourselves more readily and stop trying to fit into a manufactured mold. 

People are more that straight teeth, great abs and flawless skin. Even more than their mom's eyes and their dad's crooked smile - they are God-designer handmade. 
So, to those who told me my hair was too curly or alerted me that my arse was too small - go smile at yourself in the mirror and put aside your own insecurities. Let's start focusing in on what lasts. :)

who am I?

Do you ever feel like you don't know who you are ? Suddenly, writing the small "About Me" blurb becomes an confused, introspective mess... 

When and how do you lose yourself?

Is it possible, if you feel you don't know why you are, that you never really owned your own identity? Instead, only an identity formed by your ancestors which you no longer fit into.

I realize to some this may sound like just a adolescent or young adult struggle of independence. But, I would argue it's deeper than that 

I realize to some this may sound far too analytical. 

And maybe it is 

But, every human has to find meaning, belonging and an identity.

Even if they don't subscribe to a formal religious or societal institution to find it. 

Without purpose, people quit their lives-figuratively and literally...

Knowing oneself is essential to building and maintaining your character and growing and sustaining healthy relationships.

I envy those who don't apologize for any aspect of themselves or feel the need to change for acceptance. I think we all confirm to some extent, but some are more prone than others.

I must note, acceptance is a fundamental human need. We all need and seek it out. But, the lengths to which some of us go to attain "acceptance" kills it's perfect form and makes it overrated...

For a long time, I felt like even tho I changed or held my tongue based on the people I was with for the sake of acceptance, I still knew who I was inside - what I really believed and desired. The true foundation.

Then, one day, I felt I lost that foundation. I couldn't answer truthfully and with conviction, "who am I?"   Learning what's "socially desired" and having been knocked over by repeated disappointments so much so... That I really felt I had lost my identity.  So many ambivalent feelings

It's an interesting, introspective exercise to ask yourself these questions one-at-a-time: 

Who was I created to be? ie: I was born _______

Who was I conditioned to be? ie: I was raised to be ________

Who I am I allowing myself to be shaped into today? ie: the Influencers/mindsets/messages I am accepting shape me to be _______.

1.29.15

Lonely days

Lonely nights

Busy days

Tired nights

Short days

Long nights

Another year

Same life

Can’t escape

Only keep walking

Can’t go back

Only forward

Going forward’s not the same as moving on.

Move along

Cut the ties

Look back at midnight

Alternative

Comparison

Reason

Logic

Try to see redemption

Ending in nothingness

Tired

Hopeful

Eyes

Words, just words.

Wishing you would talk

Not the first, why not the last

Wishing I had something I have not

Is it me or is it when

Tired days

Tired nights

Tired eyes

Lonely fights.

Defining Moment

The moments of most intense pressure; the toughest places; the most painful experiences - these determine who we will become. 
The deciding moment comes. 
In that moment, we either break apart and give up 
OR 
we push through, keep going and stand back up again.

The hardest times will define your character - ultimately, you
either a quit OR overcome. 
You either become bitter OR stronger.
I want to be the latter.

We tend to wriggle away from these defining moments. Sometimes it seems some people have more suffering than others, and sometimes I lump myself in with "those" people. I compare myself to others and wish for an easier road because I can't see the purpose in the pain. 

But, I'm in this thing called life and no one escapes unscathed.

The great stories we tell are ones of trial and triumph and none are written without the struggle. 
For without the hardship, the enemies, the obstacles,
there is nothing to overcome. 
The most inspiring stories are the ones of the broken rising, the underdog winning,
the attempt; the belief; the hope.

"Yet a part of you still believes you can fight and survive no matter what your mind knows. It's not so strange. Where there's still life, there's still hope" - Louis Zamperini

Courage. Keep going, your story is being told. 

"If you can't fly, then run,
if you can't run, then walk,
if you can't walk, then crawl,
but whatever you do ,
you have to keep moving forward" - Martin Luther King Jr.  

New Years

2015.
Yes, it's just "another day", just the next second on the clock.
But, that's just it - it is another day.
A new day.
Isn't that what we all want?
A new year gives us this opportunity.
Our perspective changes, we come together to end and begin again. We celebrate it-we take it as a clean slate, another chance, a motivation.

Let us take the chance to make a change as the year flips. But, lets not be held back by the date.
So much more happens in those 365 days that we can anticipate.
But, that year could hold 365 consecutive chances to start again
8,760 hours to make a difference.

It won't be perfect. We won't be perfect, but we're still alive.
Life:
Exhausting and invigorating,
Challenging and rewarding.
Beautiful and tragic.
a gift.

time, time, time keeps moving on.

Time goes by.

Life has a strange way of moving on.

Sometimes we move on with it, sometimes it’s as if we’re stuck

feet planted

standing still

while the world blows by like a gust of wind…

And time passes and hearts harden

sometimes it’s hard to detangle the mess of roots of hurt,

boarded up by confusion,

feeding on disillusion.

Time passes. But we’re not better we’re worse.

Sometimes the hardest decision is trying to figure out if I need to go back to who I was 

(or thought I was) – like I somehow lost truth along-the-way.

OR

If I don’t need to go back at all, but instead, I need to be made completely new.

Because most times, you can never go back. 

You either sit, stay and wallow or go forward. 

falling into SPRING

My new camera is awesome :)

Hello, Spring :)