Sometimes.

Do you ever feel like you're traveling, but you don't know where you're going?
Really, metaphorically, not physically... (However, you might have felt this way when you were traveling physically as well if you find yourself "directionally challenged" .)
But, seriously, have you, DO you ever feel that way?
Like, one day, it's okay - the way things are - just trekking...
And then the next day you feel like you're standing still, or moving very slowly. And there's so many more things inside of you, but it feels like nobody knows. You feel like you're just standing where you are, and you don't want to stand there so long that you get stuck! You don't really, truly feel apart of any of it... Things are okay, but you just feel there's MORE.

I know I've posed this question before, "should I stay or should I go."
I never want to be someone who goes off to new places over and over, just to get that clean slate feeling, just to repeat the same old cycle -- cause then, it's would become just running away.

It can be so unsatisfying when you don't know where you should be.

How is it that a person can have such mixed feelings about things? It puzzles me exeedingly.
I want fellowship and relationship, but I'm fine being "alone". I don't have people outside of my family who are close to me. It's not the way I would necessarily want it, but it's just the way it is.Either the other people around me either aren't ones I would want close to me, or they're not interesting in pouring into a relationship. I've just accepted that without constantly stuggling against it.
I want to be here at home, but I want to go away. I want to be on-my-own, but I want someone to share it all with.
Such mixed feelings.

Some things are hard. Sometimes you feel the tears crawling up, tickling the inside of your nose... and it's not because your heart is broken, it just feels good to let it - whatever IT is - out.

I know God wants to be in fellowship with us all the time. I know we're supposed to be totally, really, truly "at home" with Him. You know how good it feels to just let your hair down and be YOU. When you're at home, you don't have to care what you look like, or sound like. When you're alone you could be 30 yrs old running around the house in a superman cape and no one would know. It's just freedom with out feeling judged by other eyes, without worrying about looking stupid. That's the way it's supposed to be with God. He's there ALL the time anyway. We're supposed to be AT HOME - all the time, ANYWHERE cause He's there. He's our shelter, refuge, security, our Home-away-from-home...



btw: it's the end of January.