i think i should change the name of this blog...

...because I think a more appropriate title, as of late, would be "Confessions..."

because this is where the unseen girl gets really honest. Maybe I don't have anyone that I can say this all to face-to-face, so instead, it goes on the internet, where literally anyone could read it, but I don't know if anyone ever does...

I've lost many along the way.
Most of them were for the better.
Sometimes I can tell in the moment and other times I can't.

Sometimes it's worth fighting for and sometimes the best thing is just to walk away.

I try to not care and not take things personally, but it's so hard not to just have a place where I can be loved for me. Just ME. Not all of the things I am not, but try to be.

Keep my faith alive, please.

Sometimes people take you for granted, sometimes the places filled with expectancy turn into deserts... but sometimes the driest places produce the most beautiful bloom.

That hope keeps my faith alive.

Frankly, I am so tired of people not knowing who I truly am.

I could pour out my heart here on words, and not even know if anyone who matters is reading, hearing... listening.

I'm worn out from consistently being the one who reaches out.

I was the perfect girl. The perfect girl who dreamt of becoming a rebel who was still loved. Loved, because someone saw who she could be, not what she did.

But, I couldn't bear the sting of purposely being imperfect even to test that little hypothesis.

Somehow messing up and it being okay would be the most freeing feeling... might sound strange.

I know it "doesn't matter" what I do to merit God's affections. But, I seem to know enough about why it does matter and that overrides everything else. I seem to believe that God cares the most about me doing what is right. And as much as I wanted to be loved even in doing wrong, I wanted so strongly to do what was right.

I don't have the hair or skin of the other girls. I am different inside and out although I fight it.
I don't know where I am going to live. I have to trust You are using the good, bad and ugly to fix that.
I have a love/hate relationship with being alone.
I don't mind living alone, I treasure those times
but I long to have the companionship of someone who understands me, accepts me, someone who you push past all the hard times with. I long for it so strongly, I can physically feel it.

Being alone makes you think... about who you are
it makes you decide... who you will be.

One thing I've learned is that people both, A. Let me down and B. Can be used in my life in amazing ways.
and also that whenever I try to make it happen, it doesn't.

In fact, it (whatever that happens to be, at the time) usually falls flat on it's face, but God's grace holds the pieces together.

People and places disappoint.

But, Jesus won't and He has a much bigger vision for my life than I do.

I don't have the type of friends that I can consider true, I don't have the kind I've always wanted.

When have I ever felt just accepted?

I am well aquainted with feeling different or misunderstood or misjudged.

but, just accepted? I honestly don't know.

God, I don't know what you have planned, don't think me ungrateful for all you've given me. I am so grateful, Jesus. Seeing how you care for me really means so much, But, you already know my heart and I don't have to convince you.

Thank you for being near to the brokenhearted and for never leaving us at our lowest and when we need You the most.

God, how is it that you care so much that none of these tears that are falling have ever been taken forgranted by you? I don't even know why they are coming...

I try to hold it together.

You collect them in a jar

Who are you that You would care so much?

You care enough to count my hair that is falling out.

If I was without You I couldn't live because without you I have nothing.

I just had a moment with this song...

God I try not to be the weak one, I try to be the one who can handle anything. I feel like I just shouldn't care, but why me again? Why am I the one who struggles, the one people forget about... Will I always be forgettable?

I have held it together for so long so many times. I've walked in the face of princes, princesses and impostors.

I tried to take the high road...

Take me where You will.

and if, to any outsiders, this sounds like the ravings of someone who makes no sense, well, it all came out of where I am and what I am feeling, and maybe it looks disjointed, but as it came it all made sense.

I just had a moment with this song...

and so, if this is confessions and if I am being honest, I have to say that first,

I'm not a girl who picks up celebrity crushes and carries them around as tokens to giggle or gush over. I've never been "boy-crazy" and I'm not a geeked out fan, or some girl in highschool who is trying to live out some fantasy.

All that being said,

I am really impressed with Mr. Young and what I know about the standards he upholds in his life. I don't meet guys who actually care or have stuff that they actually don't do.

People who are different from everyone else and not afraid to show it are extremely admirable.

What kind of artist (let alone not a "preachy-Christian artist) tweets scripture, or goes to God's word when they are at their lowest, or gives glory to God and really means it, or will write to the whole wide world about what's really going on inside of them from their house all alone... just like me.

I like guys for a whole lot more than looks, because the inside spills over onto the outside and it makes or breaks a person.

I have extremely high standards, in comparison to the majority of people I know, sometimes It's hard to believe there are still people who live in the way that I want to uphold.

So, when I see someone who does, they gain my respect and admiration.

Watching Owl City live last week, I was struck by how Adam's stage presence was one that I have seen people critique and make immature comments about, but what I took away from the show was "You, be you".

It takes someone confident in themselves to get out there and embody no one but THEMSELVES and not listen to naysayers.

It empowers me to be more secure in myself.

So, I probably won't ever even meet this guy, and I'm probably not even his type, but regardless, Adam has inspired me to believe in love and goodness and purity in others... things that are real. not just fantasy.

and these words are mine again tonight, as they are true today and all days.

"I can finally see/

that You're right there beside me/

I am not my own/

for I have been made new/

please don't let me go/

I desperately need You."