i will have you

I say I trust in a God who has existed before time and eternity. He breathed life into man and forms him with His very own hands.

He is loud enough to speak clearly in silence or above the roar of the world's noise.

Jesus, have I not been here, a time-or-two before? Placing my hope in something shaky, when my eyes need to be stayed on you?

I used to be afraid of what was under the water... I can only swim. with. You.

I can only walk. with. You.

I used to dream, I still do, though the older I get the more doubt wants to replace dreams.

You are strong enough.

You are big enough.

I give myself to you again.

I am trying, hoping, waiting for something...

God, You know how I keep failing.

You see how I keep trying.

You see all the thoughts, all that is wrong and right.

You see my heart and all the steps I have taken thus far.

You see what has brought me here.

You know the desires of my heart.

You know I have been shaken.

You know I want to believe and I do at my core.

I am longing deeply for this, Jesus.

I am lonely and needy.

I want to let go.

But, I want to hold. on.

I believe...help me with my unbelief...

I know You have never been shaken.

I have been pressed.

You were crushed for me.

I have been struck down.

I will not be destroyed.

Let me hold on to You with all I've got.

when my own heart leads me astray, still I will have You.

when they let me down. hard. again. still I will have You.

when I can't see your hands or your plans, still. Jesus, I will have you.

when tears come in like old familiar friends. still, I will have you...

I remember You sing over me: "When the darkness comes in, I will have you.

When the world caves in, I will have you.

When the accusers come, I will have you, I will have you.

You will always have Me.

I AM.

I never sleep, I can't forsake... I will have you."

notes from a jet plane: 6/25/11

I sat next to a pastor on an airplane today who "hated religion" and talked about how few Christians tithe.
He stated that my family was a "blessed family" because of the churches (with "well known" pastors) that we attend.
This (and other things I observed and have been thinking on) prompted this whole entry:

"We are not blessed because of being on the cutting edge of American Christianity,
not because we go to large suburban churches with well-known pastors or worship leaders.
Jesus (this guy-God- we are supposed to be following) said blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God. (Matt 5)


We are blessed because we are forgiven and free, our destiny is not tied down to the end of this world or the end of our lives.

If I had said I go to some "unknown" church or my parents do such-and-such what kind of reaction would I have gotten?

Because Jesus died we have power to have freedom in this life and beyond.

What defines us as being "radical"?
Just being out of the box? Not being caged?
What about our personal moment-to-moment lives doesn't line up with our big vision?

Making those "small" changes and taking a stance in our OWN personal lives - THAT is what is RADICAL.

What is this happiness about busting people out of religion?

What have we defined religion as and what have we mistaken for religion?

We have rejected all the rules and regulations that came with being a Christ follower in the name of freedom.
Jesus came to give us freedom,
but He didn't come to make us fit in or to make us rich or make us popular.

He came to tell us we would be the opposite!
Quite contrary to all the things we humans want...

We are asked to give up everything and take a narrow road.
Jesus came to be the authentic face of God. Someone who said and did what He said, contrary to the religious leaders.

The thing that gets to me, that I don't understand, is how people think-do they really think- they are walking the walk? Not just talking the talk?
Do they really think their actions and character are backing up their words?

Why does it seem like there are those who are only following the part of "true religion" that says to take care of orphans and widows?...

Sometimes when I'm feeling this strong discontent with these things I witness, I feel badly like I am just expecting people to be perfect(well-aware that no human, christian or otherwise, is perfect) and I am reminded that I am not perfect neither, and I get concerned that people will misconstrue what I am saying as judgment, but then I remember that Jesus- the very love and face of the Father-said "be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matt 5)

And about being "judgmental" -
The world doesn't have the truth, the commandments that we do. We are hypocrites not to follow what we know. We don't have excuses! The issue is when we see blinded to areas we have let pollution live and dwell. The second part of "true religion" is to keep oneself from being "polluted by the world".

That's not hard to understand!
Do we think it's hard to know what that really means because it's now "open to our interpretation"?
I think we over complicate God's words and pass comfortably over sections we would rather not let penetrate our souls.

We can talk about tithing and etc all day, but God said He desired mercy not sacrifice! Why does mercy need to come first?
Sacrifice is important, but it should flow out of a consecrated heart, not be done as a checklist.

God has always been about the heart. I know its about the inside and not just the outward expression. But, ultimately what we say and do is flowing out of our heart. That's a truth whether or not we like it! A fake can only fake for so long.


It's hard to swim against the flow... especially among those who should be of one mind.

Genuine follower or average cultural Christian?

I don't want to just be an average American Christian, just fitting into the box, into the flow; succumbing to the pressure of culture. 
 
Will I live like any American 20-something?
What is my identity and what is my priority?
I have staked my claim in Jesus, my destination in heaven.

I get so fed-up with the way 99% of the Christians I meet live.
I feel the pull to entertain certain things that go against Jesus and the life he has asked us to live.
Instead of this I should be pushed closer to Jesus and holiness! Not deeper into the world, into coping, into lies.

We live comfortably and we hold love of this world and the Savior in the same arms... This should not be a comfortable position to live in.

There are people who are following Jesus who can't be concerned with popular culture, they only have time to think about what really matters in this race we are running.
They can't just use the name of Jesus as a brand or label. Calling on the name of Jesus truly costs them their lives.

I wonder why we all don't get it!
We go visit impoverished nations, we go to unreached people and yet we still are selfish and consumed with all this dirt that means nothing!

God, don't let us sacrifice everything for nothing in return.
Don't allow us to drown in shallowness!
Do not allow us to walk around blind and mute... Seeing and not perceiving, hearing and not understanding.

10 Reasons why I love people watching

1. It's incredibly entertaining.

2. I catch people doing things when they think "no one is looking".

3. It keeps me laughing.

4. I am aware of people's wardrobe choices 110% of the time, and people watching is a great opportunity for me to access styles.

5. I have to debate whether or not to walk up to perfect strangers and tell them "Your fly is down" or "uh, your shirt is unbuttoned"...

6. I must resist the urge to walk up behind two wanna-be's and bust out "pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin' like a fool with yo pants on the ground!"

7. I observe good and not-so-good parenting habits

8. I realize how oblivious most people are!

9. I am reminded of how much we judge based on appearances

10. I get to wonder what is beyond ones tough or shy exterior

just me

I'm a girl who was raised in the Southwest. I live in the South, but apparently, I should be from the Midwest, given my accent.

Already confusing?

I'm the girl who was homeschooled almost her entire life. But usually hears, "you were homeschooled?!" from others. It definitely brings on a range of reactions and opinions.

I guess, I could hide or propagate the fact that I was (dun,dun,dun) homeschooled, but regardless of the fact, I am just who I am!

I'm not much of a tomboy, but not a girly-girl either... meaning, I wasn't one to play sports (mostly, because I felt dumb trying to play because no one showed me how... and boy, I hate to fail). But I'm not one to have her nails done every two weeks either.

Happy, happy, in-between... shopping IS one of my favorite pastimes and I am not ashamed of it! I love accesories, clothes, the whole shibang of looking cute... but, as much as I love it, I can't keep up perfection every stinkin' day! I love a good T-shirt and jeans too!

Growing up I didn't know what I was going to do with my life! I couldn't decide between being a doctor, nurse, teacher, dancer, photographer, actress, or singer... once, I wanted to be a gymnast, and planned out how how I could make it to the olympics! I definitely wrote lists of the possibilities, that's another thing - I love lists.

I love eyes, ironically, sometimes I can't remember others eye colors.

I love milkshakes and road trips. together or separately.

Writing keeps me sane and in it are my most honest moments.

Even tho I often feel alone, I know I never am...

And, I'm in love with the sky, it's one of the most amazing things in the world.

Never twice the same, a masterpiece.

I would be happy just living.

Not being alone.

Finding love... even tho Love has already found me.

I want to be a wife and mom.

See the World.

Learn how to fly. (literally... and why not figuratively too!)

Make everything I can with my eyes and hands.

Never lose wonder in the little things that inspire.

Bring Jesus glory, even through all the dirt I got from this world.

Keep learning.

Experience zero gravity.

Record my music, even if it's just for me.

Love and be loved.

Give and Forgive.

Never give up.

&

Keep smiling.

i am just me. and this is only the tip of my iceberg ;)

There are a lot of things that have made me who I am today. I know that's the story of us all.

Life doesn't look the way I pictured it so far, but that's okay.

I'm looking up to the One who sees the whole thing completed and framed.

Pressing on towards what is ahead.

Sing with everything within...

Sometimes the hardest thing is to open your mouth, yet, it is what needs to happen. It doesn't matter what the singing sounds like, mixed with tears and emotion, it doesn't need to sound perfect to be beautiful music to His ears... in the darkest places, when you are alone, when you feel that you cannot make a sound, open your mouth and sing... the words may come slowly, the melody may be broken, but yet sing... sing

Tell the truth to yourself, tell it to the world, whisper or shout it to the heavens!

"Hallelujah, Praise the One - Risen Son of God!"

In Christ alone

my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

what heights of Love, what depths of peace

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease

my comforter, my All in all

Here in the love of Christ I stand.

There in the ground His body lay

light of the world by darkness slain,

then bursting forth in glorious day up from the grave He rose again!

and as He stands in victory

sin's curse has lost its grip on me

for I am His and He is mine

bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

this is the power of Christ in me

from life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

no power of hell! No scheme of Man!

Can ever pluck me from His hand

till he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I stand...

&

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the One, Risen Son of God!

One in himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by his blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God
With Christ, my Savior and my God

"Hallelujah, Hallelujah! Praise the One, Risen Son of God!"

i think i should change the name of this blog...

...because I think a more appropriate title, as of late, would be "Confessions..."

because this is where the unseen girl gets really honest. Maybe I don't have anyone that I can say this all to face-to-face, so instead, it goes on the internet, where literally anyone could read it, but I don't know if anyone ever does...

I've lost many along the way.
Most of them were for the better.
Sometimes I can tell in the moment and other times I can't.

Sometimes it's worth fighting for and sometimes the best thing is just to walk away.

I try to not care and not take things personally, but it's so hard not to just have a place where I can be loved for me. Just ME. Not all of the things I am not, but try to be.

Keep my faith alive, please.

Sometimes people take you for granted, sometimes the places filled with expectancy turn into deserts... but sometimes the driest places produce the most beautiful bloom.

That hope keeps my faith alive.

Frankly, I am so tired of people not knowing who I truly am.

I could pour out my heart here on words, and not even know if anyone who matters is reading, hearing... listening.

I'm worn out from consistently being the one who reaches out.

I was the perfect girl. The perfect girl who dreamt of becoming a rebel who was still loved. Loved, because someone saw who she could be, not what she did.

But, I couldn't bear the sting of purposely being imperfect even to test that little hypothesis.

Somehow messing up and it being okay would be the most freeing feeling... might sound strange.

I know it "doesn't matter" what I do to merit God's affections. But, I seem to know enough about why it does matter and that overrides everything else. I seem to believe that God cares the most about me doing what is right. And as much as I wanted to be loved even in doing wrong, I wanted so strongly to do what was right.

I don't have the hair or skin of the other girls. I am different inside and out although I fight it.
I don't know where I am going to live. I have to trust You are using the good, bad and ugly to fix that.
I have a love/hate relationship with being alone.
I don't mind living alone, I treasure those times
but I long to have the companionship of someone who understands me, accepts me, someone who you push past all the hard times with. I long for it so strongly, I can physically feel it.

Being alone makes you think... about who you are
it makes you decide... who you will be.

One thing I've learned is that people both, A. Let me down and B. Can be used in my life in amazing ways.
and also that whenever I try to make it happen, it doesn't.

In fact, it (whatever that happens to be, at the time) usually falls flat on it's face, but God's grace holds the pieces together.

People and places disappoint.

But, Jesus won't and He has a much bigger vision for my life than I do.

I don't have the type of friends that I can consider true, I don't have the kind I've always wanted.

When have I ever felt just accepted?

I am well aquainted with feeling different or misunderstood or misjudged.

but, just accepted? I honestly don't know.

God, I don't know what you have planned, don't think me ungrateful for all you've given me. I am so grateful, Jesus. Seeing how you care for me really means so much, But, you already know my heart and I don't have to convince you.

Thank you for being near to the brokenhearted and for never leaving us at our lowest and when we need You the most.

God, how is it that you care so much that none of these tears that are falling have ever been taken forgranted by you? I don't even know why they are coming...

I try to hold it together.

You collect them in a jar

Who are you that You would care so much?

You care enough to count my hair that is falling out.

If I was without You I couldn't live because without you I have nothing.

I just had a moment with this song...

God I try not to be the weak one, I try to be the one who can handle anything. I feel like I just shouldn't care, but why me again? Why am I the one who struggles, the one people forget about... Will I always be forgettable?

I have held it together for so long so many times. I've walked in the face of princes, princesses and impostors.

I tried to take the high road...

Take me where You will.

and if, to any outsiders, this sounds like the ravings of someone who makes no sense, well, it all came out of where I am and what I am feeling, and maybe it looks disjointed, but as it came it all made sense.

I just had a moment with this song...

and so, if this is confessions and if I am being honest, I have to say that first,

I'm not a girl who picks up celebrity crushes and carries them around as tokens to giggle or gush over. I've never been "boy-crazy" and I'm not a geeked out fan, or some girl in highschool who is trying to live out some fantasy.

All that being said,

I am really impressed with Mr. Young and what I know about the standards he upholds in his life. I don't meet guys who actually care or have stuff that they actually don't do.

People who are different from everyone else and not afraid to show it are extremely admirable.

What kind of artist (let alone not a "preachy-Christian artist) tweets scripture, or goes to God's word when they are at their lowest, or gives glory to God and really means it, or will write to the whole wide world about what's really going on inside of them from their house all alone... just like me.

I like guys for a whole lot more than looks, because the inside spills over onto the outside and it makes or breaks a person.

I have extremely high standards, in comparison to the majority of people I know, sometimes It's hard to believe there are still people who live in the way that I want to uphold.

So, when I see someone who does, they gain my respect and admiration.

Watching Owl City live last week, I was struck by how Adam's stage presence was one that I have seen people critique and make immature comments about, but what I took away from the show was "You, be you".

It takes someone confident in themselves to get out there and embody no one but THEMSELVES and not listen to naysayers.

It empowers me to be more secure in myself.

So, I probably won't ever even meet this guy, and I'm probably not even his type, but regardless, Adam has inspired me to believe in love and goodness and purity in others... things that are real. not just fantasy.

and these words are mine again tonight, as they are true today and all days.

"I can finally see/

that You're right there beside me/

I am not my own/

for I have been made new/

please don't let me go/

I desperately need You."

over it

i'm tired of being alone, even in a crowd.

mankind

Some days I feel like a dreamer
Other days, I feel like an escapist
Some days I feel hope rising and I breathe in it
Other days, I feel less. Hope less

Feel.
Feelings...of little importance, yet of great meaning and strength.

Lonely
Wondering if you're out there
I know, if I actually met you, it might be forgettable
Lonely
But really I just feel like the girl nobody knows, I'm not unhappy. even when I am, it doesn't show
Lonely
Cause I am going with people I'd rather not know, just so I can keep from being alone
Wish I could snap out of this place, wish I could be like them but, I should be beyond chasing insecurities, I should embrace who I am so I can shine, but I'm having trouble focusing on the inside
I want more than ordinary life.
Hidden obscured
I want more than fantasy
I want more than where I am today

I'm here thousands of miles away
I shouldn't even care
I feel like such an ugly fool
Foolish for thinking of a stranger thousands of miles away
Impossible
everything about me feels so upside down
I feel like I changed, I don't like the change. I feel like I'm in another awkward stage. Odd for this age.
I feel the soft bed underneath me turning hard like plastic ridges
Hard but easily broken.
I'm not in love with you, I'm just in love with the idea.

I wonder if we could have enough in common, I know we're on the same team.


I'm tired, but not in the usual way.

Sometimes you have to decide what you are going to preach to yourself.

overcome

just remember our God always wins...

"every victory is Yours."