Two steps forward, One step back

When I was a kid, I used to sing along to a song that talked about going "two steps forward and one step back". I remember thinking, "gee, this is silly! What does this even mean! Why would you need to go forward and then back again?!"

I never understood the meaning of the song, the saying or the purpose of these "setbacks" in real life.

I'm a get-it-done type of person. If I've had the moment to plan my strategy in my head of how I envision completing something swiftly, I like to execute that plan with as few snags as possible.
I've also realized how determined I can be. When I set my mind to do something in a certain amount of time, I push past roadblocks that fall in my path and I just keep going. I attempt to stick to plan A or sometimes B as long as I can. Sometimes life just has its own path which looks nothing like my beautiful plan constructed somewhere in my mind's eye.

I just had an a-ha moment where I got a glimpse of what "two steps forward and one step back" just might mean in the real world of my life. 
Sometimes we think, "this is finally it". 
We think we've skipped a few steps, maybe we feel like we've been behind and we're finally catching up. Either way, we make some progress...but then there's a setback or we realize we're not as far down the road as we thought... *sigh

But, the steps that seem backward are apart of the journey.
The journey just keeps going on. It's not over till it's over.
We'll keep walking and making u-turns and taking unexpected detours.
In the construction, in the slowing and even when it seems like we're backtracking, there's got to be a purpose.
The struggle to believe that, to accept where we are and keep going on from there is all apart of the journey.

stuck, unfinished, wandering.

There are times when I am at peace.
Even though all is not settled, I can be.

There are many more frequent times, when it feels like nothing in my world has or will come together
It's like gravity is shut off and orbits have ceased in their order and 
everything is floating with no direction.
Or like standing in a perpetual batting cage...
Swing and hit
swing and miss
never run any bases.
Stay alert, try to be prepared, but never getting anywhere. 
No rest; little progress.

Others speak of seeing a pattern, a purpose-the journey that is theirs.
They see bits of their story coming together, the see the pages turning; the chapters linking.
I feel like my story is still a draft being erased and reorganized, erased and rewritten.
Sometimes it feels like a page is missing, lost from the manuscript, and that's why there are holes in the plot. 

I've seen a bunch of dead ends.
Just like being stuck in a maze.
I keep turning and rerouting.
But every path ends up like the last one.
It all starts to look and feel the same. 
Just when you think this is the right turn, you hit the wall and you have to either turn around or give up.

And, I know that perspective changes it all. 
I know that an eagle's eye view sees the path out of the maze;
omniscient knowledge sees the story from start to finish.

But, I still feel like a draft waiting for a writer
I still feel like I'm paving my own road only hoping it leads somewhere civilized and purposeful. 

I'm not asking to live a life free of worry or hardship. 
I just want to live one of purpose. And, I don't want to always feel stuck.
That I'm just existing, not a tragedy, not a triumph, but a comedy of errors...
Questioning, "what is the point if I am not moving on, changing things, gaining ground?"
The perception of being stuck over and over again. 
I say, "I've got a lot of fight left in me!"... but I wonder, "what is the point?"
Feeling this way over and over deeply-more than just having a bad day, but deep, deep down it just seems like I am stuck over and over again. And not connected except for the pain in the past. 
Why? Still asking what could I have done or not done.
Telling myself I am brave and courageous and strong. 
That I am determined. 
That I am a fighter. 
When it comes down to it, you don't feel like any of those things.

lessons from the road... (and the middle finger)

Oh, the many thoughts and realizations I've had from the drivers seat of my car. 

Often small scale situations can shed light on bigger scale phenomenons.

Consider how many life applications there are in simple road directions...

STOP.

YIELD.

GO.

But, today's contemplation turned to the simple-yet-grand theme of forgiveness after a fellow driver felt it necessary to flip me off. Now, even though I feel his reaction was completely uncalled for, I won't lie and say that my verbal retort was full of grace - because it wasn't! But, I quickly caught myself reducing to his level of vulgar immaturity, and I changed my tune, trying to reposition my heart and started thinking... 

Sometimes "forgiveness" seems grand, complex and complicated. 

Sometimes it can even take a while for our pride to come down so we can admit that we've been wounded and even need to forgive. 

Whether it's the person you trusted your heart to who left; 

or the old friend who will never know the pain they inflicted; or just the random stranger who flipped you off for no-good-reason...the answer still seems to be the same. 
Let. it. go.

The process may look different, but the choice and the end result are the same. 

The attitude of many drivers reminds me of the mindset we often drive through life with, an "I have the right-of-way!" mentality.

We drive with the attitude that we are right and that we and others should get what we deserve. 

While life quickly teaches us that the road is not fair, grace teaches us that we, in fact, get so much more than what we deserve... 

So... forgiveness. 

While I feel like I've been given opportunities aplenty to practice,

I'm no pro at it.  

But, when I keep the sacrifice of Jesus in the forefront of my sight, how can withhold forgiveness from anyone?

Sometimes forgiveness does seem so complicated-twisted up in "whys?" and "hows?"

The healing takes time, but when forgiveness takes place, the road opens up the path to freedom.

vaya con Dios, my sojourners!

a prologue

The feeling is akin to waiting at the edge of an open airplane. Waiting to jump.

I stand, getting pumped-up to go, then sit, contemplating easing my way out. Like dropping into a pool with your legs already in the water. Even tho waiting has both abated and increased my anticipation, I know that regardless of sitting or standing-the moment I push off-everything changes. 

I know it's going to happen; I'm going to take the leap.

I am scared of the fall. 

My heart is beating loudly, but it simultaneously feels like it's on pause.
The sensation of weightlessness for a moment. 
Shock, suspension, exhilaration, relief - only for a moment. 

I'll either fly or fall. Hard.

I've tried to tell myself that either way I'll be fine. 
But, I know that's not truth. 
N o t h i n g    w i l l     b e   t h e   s a m e. 

prospect

 

you sit and slowly they fill until they overflow
your cheeks feel stiff
from the salt.
release

the mix of hope and fear is
in your chest and in your core




hope came seeping out of your fingers, your mind, your heart
fear comes creeping around your fingers, your mind, your heart


the biggest leap
could mean the hardest fall
your hands go cold just thinking about it

can the craziest thing you've ever done
feel like the sanest thing you've ever done?

you want it more than anything else.
but if you're alone in holding the reasons
how can it ever be?

how can something here-&-now affect your past, your present
and
your future

so, i can't let it go
not that way
not without taking the risk
i'll let it go
pour it out
leave it
in a place where
the wind may toss it
the rain may soak it
and it will either die or bloom

i'm worth it

you're worth it

is this worth it?

Anomaly

Inspired by listening to the album Anomaly by Lecrae:

norm: noun 1. a standard, model, or pattern.
                    2. general level or average

anomaly: noun 1. deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement or form
                         2. one that is abnormal or does not fit in


I never fit the norm
from day one.
Left handed turned ambidextrous.
Curly hair.

Then, I didn't grow up eating the same foods as the norm;
watching the same shows as the norm or listening to the same music as the norm.
Further pushed out of the mold.  

Faster than most; then slower than most.

All along, all I really wanted was to fit. 
even blend in.

I was always graduating early; now I'm the one graduating late.
The list goes on and on... 

Never fit the norm in looks, likes, love or the when, the wheres and hows... 

"Acceptance" becomes the hunger and the meal.

A part gets easier as you get older, but most people don't really change.
If we're honest, we know that - you can be 50 with the same insecurities as when you were fifteen. 
The longer you calcify, the tougher it is to change.

I know I'm not alone in this square-peg struggle.
I know I'm not the only one who's questioned just what makes me so different.
Or why, whoever "they" is in your personal sphere, seemed to find it so easy to overlook or forget you.
I know I'm not the only one, but the struggle is and feels intensely personal to each person.
Some wear their oddity on their shoulder - making it mainstream.
Others opt to hide or camouflage masking whatever it is that has caused rejection at the hands of the world.

The the one who loves most intensely can be labeled a hater.
The one who'd rather invest their time than waste it - labeled a loner.
The one who examines both sides of the story - labeled confused.

If you're too "bad" according the church and too "good" according to the rest of the world.
You've never fit inside the box and you probably never will... and there's more to life.
Unpopular opinions have changed the world.
The world needs friction. The world needs light.

 #TheSystemDidntPlanForThis

Miracle

A few years ago, I had the pleasure of hearing Dr.Guliuzza give a talk on this topic in person. I found it completely fascinating.

The creation and formation of a human life is really stunning. All the intricate details that we are ignorant of or simply take for-granted are amazing.

If you have the time, I encourage you to watch this talk. The video quality is not superb, but the information is still worthwhile!
No matter where you stand about the origins of our planet and life on earth, denial that the formation of the human body is miraculous is ignorant, and so many details point to intelligent design. Enjoy! 

                            

not good enough for who?

While there seems to be an increasing number of social media movements promoting healthy body images and ideals, there still is an epidemic of critical messages generating destructive thought-patterns in people of all ages. 
These images/standards of "perfect" are generated by pop culture, perpetuated by media, handed down from our family members or spoken to us through friends and enemies. 
I'm tired of living in a culture where people feel that they are never good enough for who they are externally... 
I'm sick of looking at my own reflection with tunnel vision - only focusing on how I'm "failing" by the world's (my culture's) standards.

For most girls, this starts young. Even for those who live in a positive environment...  like I did at six years old, being embarrassed about temporarily having "freckles" from vomiting or believing I had "fat thighs" since I was 11.

There are so many of us - all variations and we are all unique.  We are taught that there are universal standards for beauty that people (especially men) agree on. Okay, sure, there is a bench mark, if you will, for attractiveness. But...so what? 

Unique: "very special or unusual; belonging to or connected with only one particular thing, place or person." 

You, be you.

Society places unnecessary image standards on both men and women, but since I am a woman, I'm going to speak to those messages specifically. It seems there is a definition of perfection for every inch from our heads to our toes. 

Ladies, how many of these sound familiar?

Your hair is too short.
Your hair is too curly.
Your hair is too flat. 
Your eyes are too small
Your eyebrows are too thick/too thin.
Your nose is too big.
Your ears are too big. 
Your lips are too thin.
Your neck is too thick.
Your arms are too flabby.
Your hands are too chubby.
Your fingers are too short. 
Your breasts are too small.
Your waist is too big. 
Your hips are too wide. 
Your thighs are too big. 
Your butt is too flat. 
Your knees are too big. 
Your ankles are too big.
Your feet are too big...
...And on it can go... 
It wears me out just thinking about it! Nit-picking like this is almost laughable!

See, if we stopped viewing ourselves as cells that just somehow happen and accepted that we were designer-handmade, I think we'd accept ourselves more readily and stop trying to fit into a manufactured mold. 

People are more that straight teeth, great abs and flawless skin. Even more than their mom's eyes and their dad's crooked smile - they are God-designer handmade. 
So, to those who told me my hair was too curly or alerted me that my arse was too small - go smile at yourself in the mirror and put aside your own insecurities. Let's start focusing in on what lasts. :)

who am I?

Do you ever feel like you don't know who you are ? Suddenly, writing the small "About Me" blurb becomes an confused, introspective mess... 

When and how do you lose yourself?

Is it possible, if you feel you don't know why you are, that you never really owned your own identity? Instead, only an identity formed by your ancestors which you no longer fit into.

I realize to some this may sound like just a adolescent or young adult struggle of independence. But, I would argue it's deeper than that 

I realize to some this may sound far too analytical. 

And maybe it is 

But, every human has to find meaning, belonging and an identity.

Even if they don't subscribe to a formal religious or societal institution to find it. 

Without purpose, people quit their lives-figuratively and literally...

Knowing oneself is essential to building and maintaining your character and growing and sustaining healthy relationships.

I envy those who don't apologize for any aspect of themselves or feel the need to change for acceptance. I think we all confirm to some extent, but some are more prone than others.

I must note, acceptance is a fundamental human need. We all need and seek it out. But, the lengths to which some of us go to attain "acceptance" kills it's perfect form and makes it overrated...

For a long time, I felt like even tho I changed or held my tongue based on the people I was with for the sake of acceptance, I still knew who I was inside - what I really believed and desired. The true foundation.

Then, one day, I felt I lost that foundation. I couldn't answer truthfully and with conviction, "who am I?"   Learning what's "socially desired" and having been knocked over by repeated disappointments so much so... That I really felt I had lost my identity.  So many ambivalent feelings

It's an interesting, introspective exercise to ask yourself these questions one-at-a-time: 

Who was I created to be? ie: I was born _______

Who was I conditioned to be? ie: I was raised to be ________

Who I am I allowing myself to be shaped into today? ie: the Influencers/mindsets/messages I am accepting shape me to be _______.

1.29.15

Lonely days

Lonely nights

Busy days

Tired nights

Short days

Long nights

Another year

Same life

Can’t escape

Only keep walking

Can’t go back

Only forward

Going forward’s not the same as moving on.

Move along

Cut the ties

Look back at midnight

Alternative

Comparison

Reason

Logic

Try to see redemption

Ending in nothingness

Tired

Hopeful

Eyes

Words, just words.

Wishing you would talk

Not the first, why not the last

Wishing I had something I have not

Is it me or is it when

Tired days

Tired nights

Tired eyes

Lonely fights.